|
|
MESSAGES
Feb 6, 2017 0:10:10 GMT
via mobile
Post by sarah on Feb 6, 2017 0:10:10 GMT
Hi all.
Was just wondering what type of text messages did you receive after you have your abuser?
I for one always get them and calls and in the past have fallen hook line and sinker for them-but not this time!I am currently 3 weeks into my no contact-my longest ever-and am sticking to it but I have been sent the usual "I'm sorry","I love you" texts.The past few days I've been getting the "I miss you" and the "please let me know you're ok".Now,I know EXACTLY what he's all about and doing now and I answer in my head "yeah,missing what I can do for you" and "why would I not be ok?Am much better without you.And even if I was'nt ok,I would'nt give you the satisfaction of knowing that".Plus he was'nt bothered about me being ok when he was verbally abusing me or pushing me around.And it's true,some days are good,some bad but I'm getting
stronger by the day.So,what messages did/do you get and how do you react to them?
|
|
|
|
Post by brownie on Feb 7, 2017 17:03:25 GMT
Hello Sarah I feel very unqualified to give advice, I would say this get rid of the phone. My husband will figure out my number and when I get texts or calls my son throws my phone in the river and gets me a new one. We buy pre paid phones at this point once the break is fully finished and my husband isnt trying to contact me I will get a non pre paid phone. I must say it's been months and the contact is very rare now.
I also would suggest telling someone you can trust so if you are have a weak moment they can throw your phone on the river haha.
|
|
steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266 
|
Post by steve on Feb 7, 2017 21:20:45 GMT
Good advice! No contact means NO contact, including reading messages. If you keep the phone, delete any messages without reading them, or better yet, block his number. The only message that would ever be appropriate is "I am contacting the judge for a stalking order. Don't contact me again if you don't want to be arrested." or something along those lines. But I'd discourage even that, because for some reason, ANY communication back to these self-centered oafs seems to mean "She's still interested."
Do you have a way to block certain numbers from even getting through to you? Talk to your phone provider about that. If not, a new phone is most definitely the answer. Of course, then he will start contacting people you know and asking them how you're doing and seeing if he can wheedle your new number out of them, so make sure everyone knows the number is confidential, and don't post it on line anywhere, either.
Does he know where you live now? Is he likely to escalate to coming by if you aren't responding to texts? It's important to safety plan at this time, and you know him best, so try to prepare for his likely or even less likely methods of escalation.
The one thing they can't figure out is no response. Well done on keeping up No Contact - you sound like someone who really gets who he is and is ready to move on and do whatever is needed to get him out of your life!
--- Steve
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
|
Post by karen on Feb 8, 2017 2:08:16 GMT
Hey Sarah..I haven't gotten any texts from either of my exes for over a year. BUT..I got them right after the initial break-up. He was nice initially, then the abuse started. I was very angry..so i responded in an argumentative way and of course I got abused. Once I figured out what was going on..I went no contact. He did contact me at Valentine's Day in 2015 and I responded. BIG MISTAKE. It all started out very innocent and just with a one sentence e-mail. He initially was quiet, calm, saddened by our break-up. A bit humble. BUT when I refused to keep texting..he got really angry and the ABUSE started immediately. It didn't take long.
At this time, I would not respond to any ways of being contacted. Deleting without even reading is my favorite. Block them on Social Media (facebook), block them on your e-mail and block them on the phone. By doing all the "blocks"..you also prevent yourself from looking them up. That is a good thing..it takes the temptation away.
It is so like the alcoholic in recovery...can't even be around alcohol because the addiction is too great. We get pulled in too easily. BY removing the temptation..we free ourselves from more abuse.
I wouldn't respond at all, here is why: 1. You will never win an arugment, never. It will only hurt you more. 2. They want a response of any kind..negative attention (if you cuss them out or scream or whatever) is still attention and all they want is ATTENTION...don't give it to them. 3. A response keeps them coming back. They will keep trying to get under your skin, to get in your good graces. You give an inch ..they will take 10,000 miles. 4. It will hurt you in some way shape or form and it is not worth it. 5. NO CONTACT is the best "revenge". It also sets a clear boundary..that when you said "leave me alone" you meant it.
|
|
|
|
MESSAGES
Feb 8, 2017 3:06:28 GMT
via mobile
Post by sarah on Feb 8, 2017 3:06:28 GMT
Hello again..Thank you for your responses..
I live a 2 minute walk from a river..
I can't afford a new phone at the moment BUT I was actually going to invest in a new sim-card today..but there's a but which I'll get to in a second..
I've had to keep all messages and call logs as my evidence of harassment.At first after splitting they were frustrating and annoying and messing with my emotions but as each day is going by,I'm seriously less affected by them because I know what he is doing.
I walk about with a personal alarm which links straight to the Police and for the first time yesterday I had to use it because he saw me(first time since split)and he decided to badger me and corner me in the street to manipulate and intimidate me.He got arrested and is currently on bail with strict instructions not to contact me etc.Now here's the but:Would'nt it be better for me and my case NOT to change my number now because if he does contact me he's breached his bail conditions and then I effectively can have him by the balls so to speak?Like I said,his messages not bothering me at all now-I just find them pathetic.I have not nor have ANY intention of responding-I have gone COMPLETELY no contact and am 110% sure that that will not break as I really have nothing to say to that poor excuse of a man.Zilch.Nada Zero.I am a helluva lot stronger mentally now than I was before because I have and continue to educate myself on abusers and tactics etc which is why I'm self-talking in my head when I've got a message and not responded like I have in the past.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Feb 10, 2017 3:41:59 GMT
Hi Sarah..in the situation you describe, perhaps it will be better so you can collect evidence against him. I guess my thought is be careful. You sound like you are doing great mentally and handling all that is being thrown at you from him.
He still sounds like a jerk. Maybe consult the police or legal counsel about changing your phone number. If you are still building a case against him, then perhaps it is better to keep it.
Either way, you sound really strong and doing well! Yay You!
|
|
steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266
|
Post by steve on Feb 11, 2017 1:48:34 GMT
By all means, collect evidence if you need to, but don't read it yourself! Do you have a solicitor who can read them? A friend who can filter through and take notes without you having to read them? It is important that you don't read these messages because he will get inside your head. Unless you're to the point where you can see everything he says as a manipulation and have no emotional reaction no matter how outrageous or sweet his fake sentiments are, you should not be reading these messages if there is any way to avoid it.
If you have to read it, my challenge would be this: read each sentence independently, and write an analysis of the TRUE INTENT behind each sentence before reading the next. For instance, he writes, "I am so sorry about everything I have done wrong!" [Analysis: trying to make me feel sorry for him; takes no responsibility for any specific wrongdoing. Has said this before and not meant it, so not a reliable statement.] Next sentence: "You are the most beautiful woman I ever met, inside and out, and I don't deserve you." [Analysis: insincere compliment. Trying to act humble and put me on a pedestal so I'll forgive him.] And so on. This slows you down and forces you to think about what he's saying and WHY he is saying it, instead of allowing yourself to react emotionally.
Still, I'd advise not reading them if you can find another way. It's clear he's gotten under your skin with his comments, and the less you know what he's saying, the sooner you will heal.
This is truly the hardest part. Hang in there!!!!
--- Steve
|
|
|
|
MESSAGES
Feb 15, 2017 1:11:25 GMT
via mobile
Post by sarah on Feb 15, 2017 1:11:25 GMT
Hello again.Thanks for your replies.Well he has'nt contacted me at all since his arrest-the Police will remand him in custody until his court date if he breaks this condition and I think that is the only thing he's bothered about as he did try offering me money to retract my statements when he cornered me before his arrest.He acts and speaks to others like he's not bothered about going to Prison but I know for a fact that he is as he will lose his benefits and home and freedom to drink and find his next source of supply,so,so far so good.
I see right through him now so any contact will be stripped right back to it's true meaning and reported straight away.
I am on social media and he is blocked from contacting me on there too-although I did come across his profile picture which rattled me but my feelings at seeing it was of disgust-I've never disliked someone so much in my life!And I did see him pass the cafe I was in and I was more rattled by that with a touch of anxiety but I suppose that is normal given the stress he has put me through.
|
|
steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266
|
Post by steve on Feb 16, 2017 0:24:56 GMT
Disgust is good! That's big progress! Stick with the no-contact and report him if he does. Seems like you are really seeing things as they are, which is the most important step to realizing you are WAY better off not knowing or caring what he does!
|
|
