misterm
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Post by misterm on Jan 23, 2017 17:02:25 GMT
those who have had counseling, what helps you cope?
ive been in limbo for 7 months after the court gave my kids to our abuser expecting every week that i would get a date for the next court hearing.
today i have been informed it could take another 6 months im in complete shock and my eyes havnt stopped pouring all day, im having trouble breathing, its too much to take
my children are being abused, i can see it and they tell me about it the abuser is using the kids as a weapon to torture me, almost no contact and when they contact me the abuser switches the internet off soon as she realizes
the DV place tells me counseling has a waiting list of 8 months, i dont know if ill make it that long i just cant cope any more
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janine
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Post by janine on Jan 24, 2017 3:40:58 GMT
Hi misterm,
It sounds like a the court will delay the custody case for possibly six more months, from what you are describing. That sucks. I am sorry!
If the local DV shelter has a waiting list for counseling, you can call the national hotline and/or the national suicide hotline. There are emergency services, and if it gets too bad, you can also always ask your doctor to help you get access to counseling.
This is hard, but like all hard things it is temporary.
I think you made it this far, and you can and will make it until the court sets the trial. Reach out to the hotlines. The suicide hotline won't ask you for your name or address. They simply offer a trained ear for anyone who is in distress.
There is help and you dont have to carry this alone. We humans weren't made to do this life alone.
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misterm
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Post by misterm on Feb 12, 2017 23:03:51 GMT
thanks janine
i have made it this far but its getting harder rather than easier to cope. some days i physically shake, its quite an odd sensation and i know its not right. ive also noticed i jump at the slightest thing and the most random things will make me break down in tears. talking about it to people doesnt help at all, it only makes me re-live the whole trauma of it and highlights how dreadful the situation still is.
the instant i wake its right there at the front of my mind and stays there all day, overriding everything else until i eventually sleep. i can carry out daily activities ok but im just going through the motions. my dreams are also full of trauma so i dont get a break even then.
i need a strategy to help me cope as i am carrying this alone any suggestions?
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Post by sarah on Feb 15, 2017 1:59:44 GMT
Hi.I did'nt want to read and not try give you some suggestions..obviously it'll depend on which will work for you but there is quite a few things out there you can do to quieten/distract the mind..self-help books/audio books(some come with relaxing hypnotherapy cd's)..meditation(can find loads on YouTube to suit your needs)..Adult colouring books-I do these when I can't sleep/over-thinking)..music..reading..talking-like on here or to a friend-Samaritans are there if you finding things really too hard..journaling helps-just writing about feelings helps you or try something a bit more creative like painting,drawing..whatever you want.I hope this helps.
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misterm
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Post by misterm on Mar 5, 2017 23:29:06 GMT
thanks sarah
recently ive been trying to occupy myself with other things, it almost takes my mind off it all and i only break down once or twice a week.
today however was my youngest daughters birthday. the last few nights i have hardly slept and i think its because of this.
after sending a couple of texts and a couple of unanswered phone calls i managed to skype her. she was so happy to see me and i wished her a happy birthday. she said she wanted a cuddle from me (her mum refuses anything like that) and she is a very cuddly girl. the instant she said this, and we had only been talking a minute or 2, her mum said she had to switch skype off and go to eat.
the look on her face i think will stay with me forever, she looked so sad, like she was trying not to cry. then skype went off.
while i was surprised and happy i got any contact at all it has brought up all those emotions of my in built need to protect her, to care for her and to make her happy, and the aftermath of being a victim of abuse myself for so many years, and the helplessness of my situation, its quite unbearable.
i dont want anything from anyone on here, i just need to write it down, to let it out somehow
i wish there was a machine that could capture events like this, capture the emotions of my daughter(s) and me, that i could plug it into the judges head. it would help so many people to avoid the worst atrocities of injustice.
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janine
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Post by janine on Mar 6, 2017 0:08:51 GMT
Hey misterm,
There is a way to record skype calls as well. You might want to start recording them. I am really hoping the legal system soon does do justice by yours children and you.
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misterm
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Post by misterm on Apr 4, 2017 14:12:40 GMT
nightmares and shaking have returned.
yes i have lots of skype videos of truly terrible things.
i met with my lawyer in february and she said she would start working on my case in the next few weeks. this took some of the anxiety away. she said the case pretty much rests on the 'expert' report that should have been completed last summer.
i wrote to the highest officials of justice in europe asking them to force the expert to write the report. i had a reply from one of them and a couple of weeks later there was a new court order changing to a new expert.
so things looked as if they were moving forward, but in reality nothing is happening still. nothing from the new expert, the lawyer has done nothing still.
social services in my country came to speak with the children while they were here in february. they told me on the phone they have concerns about the welfare of the kids and will send me a report i can use in court, still waiting for this.
my youngest has had a cough since last august, i took her to the doctors in february (first opportunity) and she has asthma, we got an inhaler and it worked wonders. i gave it to their mum and told her what the doctor said. on skype she was coughing again and i asked if she was having her inhaler, she said no. i cant understand what must be going on in the mind of their mum, not only is she violent and cruel now she is neglecting them medically.
my patience has reached an end. im back to thinking about it from the moment i wake until i fall asleep, then i have nightmares about it. it seems like its never going to end and there is nothing i can do about anything.
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janine
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Post by janine on Apr 7, 2017 11:12:06 GMT
This must be so frustrating, no wonder you might feel anger, despair, hopelessness, and frustration, misterm.
I had one thought when reading your post- and it went like this: "Even though your kids are not yet living with you, they STILL have you in their live. Their lives are therefore already better than if you weren't there."
The legal system is not always perfect, and it can leave you feeling like there is no justice in the world. Your kids won't always be little, and my guess is that the older they get, the more they will need you to validate their early childhood experiences with their mother, because you are going to believe them. You are going to be even more important for them then, than you already are right now.
My mother used to isolate me from my aunt, and growing up I only saw her after my 4th birthday for the very first time, and then over the years I only saw her every now and then. My aunt and I are now closer than my mother and I ever were, and I trust my aunt with my life.
Continue to call a DV hotline if you need a trained professional ear and/or legal advice. Involve the best lawyer you can afford. Find a good therapist to work through this next to you, if that feels right.
You won't always feel like this. This is hard right now, but it is not a permanent state. Everything is impermanent, everything is temporary.
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Post by misterm guest on Apr 16, 2017 17:22:36 GMT
she refused to give my stuff back, every material posession in my life probably worth around 8000 but some irreplaceable things too, so i went to the police back in august last year. they told me they would recover it in 15 days but they did nothing.
my lawyer wrote to her lawyer about it a few weeks ago.
i spent hundreds of pounds going to pick up my kids for easter week. 6 hours into the journey i get a text saying collect my stuff or it will go to the tip. i replied saying i need to hire a van and come back on another date.
i got there and her estate car was already filled to the top with my stuff. she came out and went on a crazy agressive rant (on video) and said she was taking it to throw away.
my head is in a spin...
i know this should by law land her in prison, but then again so should GBH, ABH, habitual violence towards a minor, lies to the police and judges, contempt, slander etc etc and she got rewarded for that. ill probably have to pay her for the inconvenience of going to the tip
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Post by sarah on Apr 17, 2017 23:53:32 GMT
Misterm...keep at it..keep being strong and pushing forward..I'm so sorry your case is taking a while but it seems to be building up.Keep pressing for the updates,phonecalls whatever you've been waiting for as persistance pays off eventually I find..And what was said before about you being there for your child/children even if through Skype at the moment is important.And take care of you..you need all the energy and strength you need to see this through.It won't last forever.
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misterm
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Post by misterm on Apr 28, 2017 17:30:36 GMT
what a strange feeling
i saw the court expert at last, a psychologist i spoke with her for around 2.5 hours we talked about an awful lot of things, she asked me an awful lot of questions
it seemed like she knew i have been through and still going through a traumatic time i showed her the video of verbal abuse, with the kids not reacting because its a 'usual thing' and told her what had happened with my stuff she said she will talk with the rest of my family soon, even if the abuser refuses the children will be spoken to
so i have hope that the report she makes will help the judge make the right decision and now i wait with all those what ifs and uncertainties
i wrote to the 'prosecutor' about the theft and sent the evidence by law she should go to the criminal court for that and be prosecuted by the state, but laws seem to mean nothing in that country
ive had no contact at all with my children since then as we pulled up outside her house to hand the kids back my eldest daughter burst into tears saying she doesnt want to go back it was horrible to see her walking back, with a look on her face like somebody walking to the gas chambers
i know its the beginning of the end but inside im in turmoil, my heart is aching, my head is a complete mess thanks janine and sarah for your supporting words
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Post by jordan on May 11, 2017 13:40:27 GMT
Hi so sorry to hear of what's happening to you! Have you been to see your GP? I'm currently undergoing counselling however this was organised thru my support worker. Your GP can help with the anxiety and not sleeping... Also have you tried to contact your local victim support helpline? They can help in regards to the court situation and offer general support. A self help tactic I used was writing my feelings/thoughts on a peice of paper, then going to the garden to burn it. It gives you a sense of release. You've got to keep telling yourself, if you can't fix it right now you can't keep worrying.. worry causes so much pain and horrible feelings. I really hope this could help
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misterm
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Post by misterm on May 12, 2017 11:06:16 GMT
thanks jordan yes i have seen victim support and a dv support group. i am on a long waiting list for counseling. the gp offered me some tablets last year but i couldnt bring myself to take them.
"keep telling yourself, if you can't fix it right now you can't keep worrying" good advice but easier said than done
the only thing that really helps, apart from support from good people like yourself on this site, is when things seem to be moving with the courts ive been pushing from all angles in every direction for over a year now, just the last few steps to go
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misterm
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Post by misterm on May 24, 2017 0:13:40 GMT
so... just to keep you updated with my twilight zone esque life...
my abuser, is trying to dictate the wrong dates for my 'visiting rights' during the summer, IF there has not been the appeal before then (fingers crossed) i wrote to me lawyer about this
intervene with this, i got a google play voucher for my daughters birthday 16 days later i manage to speak to her, i try every day, she wants to speak to me every day. i ask her what she baught with her voucher, she says her mum took it from her and threw it in the bin
so, my lawyer replied and said nothing about the visiting dates instead she told me the police are wanting to speak to me about my abuser's 'complaint against me' and to arrange a date for this
its just beyond my comprehension how does someone who is an abuser and a habitual criminal get away with this, for so long
im all of a kerfuffle, my head is in a tizzy, its not good i may be breaking
edit: i had no sleep at all last night
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steve
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Post by steve on May 26, 2017 0:17:25 GMT
Make sure you keep an accurate journal of everything he does to try and mess with your head, including missed or changed drop off and pick up times, things he says to the kids about you or has them tell you, last-minute changes of plans, accusations, failure to provide clothing, etc, etc, etc. You want to have times and dates and a very dispassionate description of what happened, no emotions at all, just what did he do or fail to do. It can provide evidence of a pattern when individual instances might not seem so bad.
--- Steve
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misterm
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Post by misterm on May 26, 2017 4:39:16 GMT
thanks for the advice steve could i point out not all abusers are men, not all victims are women.
yes i have records of everything spanning the last 18 months, inappropriate clothing, specially shoes for my eldest daughter seems to be a thing. i make backups of text messages, photos etc and ive taken to video recording every interaction i have too. would be great if my lawyer took any notice, or responded, or did anything at all.
last night she actually answered skype, they were at her mums. i spoke to my youngest for around 45 seconds then her mum hurled abuse then extremely aggressively slammed the laptop lid down. a few minutes later skype called so i answered. my youngest said 'i want to tell you about when mummy was young' then her mum (my abusers mum) said to her, roughly translated, 'your dad is a complete wanker' then my abuser said 'say goodbye' then the laptop lid went down.
all i wanted was to talk to my kids. instead i get abuse from her mum, a clear indication of where her personality disorder comes from.
all recorded on video and sent to the psychologist who is making a report for the court.
no sleep again tonight... not sure how much more i can take
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steve
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Post by steve on May 26, 2017 5:06:10 GMT
Oh, sorry! I am well aware that there are plenty of male victims and female abusers. The tactics can vary somewhat but the basics are pretty much the same - low responsibility, high blame, lots of crazy-making head games, always making up their own rules and expecting you to follow.
It sounds like you're making a good case. The less you can talk to her, the better, of course, but not so easy when there are kids involved. She's enjoying the power, but things will change when you get some power back via the Courts, and I believe that you have a very good chance of doing that.
Try to take it one battle at a time. There are only so many things you control, so try and control them best you can and let the rest be what it is. Easier said than done!
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Post by Marilyn on May 26, 2017 15:18:22 GMT
Not sure where you are in Europe (I'm posting a link from the UK. Is any of it familiar/helpful to you I wonder .....) karenwoodall.wordpress.com/There are two small squares at the top of the screen - left and right - which will help you navigate the site. If you click on the one top right it should take you to a page with a linked list of articles written by Karen which have been very relevant to my situation.
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misterm
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Post by misterm on May 27, 2017 11:24:08 GMT
thanks steve and marilyn
"things will change when you get some power back via the Courts, and I believe that you have a very good chance of doing that"
you would think so but im not so sure. last time i had 2 CAFCASS reports, 1 from interviews with me and my abuser that recommended contact between the abuser and the children of letters and small gifts.
the other one, done in the high court in london, was a 2 hour interview with my eldest daughter with eye witness accounts of several serious incidents of violence and cruelty, my daughters wishes were to stay with me, and they recommended supervised contact between the abuser and the children.
i also had a section 37 report, no recommendations but violence and cruelty were clearly discussed and my daughters wishes were to stay with me.
several incidents of violence were described in these reports which the abuser admitted too but minimized, she also gave very contrasting versions of events in several different court documents, none of which were based on fact.
measures of protection for me and my children were ordered in the high court that were all blatantly and willfully broken by the abuser, one of which was literally rewarded by the french judge with money.
i have absolutely no faith in the french justice system. the judge made racist and sexist comments, broke many domestic and international laws and conventions, made up lies to back up the abusers lies none of which had any proof, the facts presented proved just the opposite. ill give you an example, homework time was used as an excuse by the abuser to inflict huge amounts of stress on my daughter that made her cry uncontrollably, this in turn led to habitual slaps to the face. described by me and separately by my daughter in the cafcass report. these slaps resulted in permanent damage to my daughters hearing, described by my daughter in the cafcass report and confirmed by a medical examination and presented to the court. i had a video on one such incident but the judge refused to see it. my daughter wrote a letter to the judge asking to be heard, which is her right by law. the judge refused to hear her. the judge decided that, the abuser "may have said my daughter had bad writing but in such a way as to not humiliate of victimize her" the judge also claimed that "i presented no medical documents pertaining to the pretended violence"....
its like im stuck in a never ending torturous hell with my abuser firmly at the helm. sorry if thats a rant, third day with no sleep.
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misterm
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Post by misterm on May 31, 2017 19:10:08 GMT
it goes on and on and on...
i cant understand why nobody has cottoned on to her lies and games yet
today i received news that the police are trying to prosecute me for harassment, based on fabricated and manipulated evidence no less.
the back story, she took the kids to her lovers house, he is a drug addict in a very rough part of town. i had the kids the week before and as usual they didnt want to go back with her, tears etc
i tried to phone to speak to my kids to see if they sere ok, i tried 3 times during the evening and no answer. i phoned a couple more times the next morning, no answer, worried about the kids i phoned social services for advice. they told me to keep trying and they would send someone to check up on them. so every 2-3 hours for the next 2 days during the day time i sent a text message saying please answer i want to speak with my kids then phoned. no answer.
when she got back home she went to the police and said i was harassing her. she cut/paste together a bunch of messages im supposed to have sent, half a sentence from one month, a word from the next the messages even had dates and times and anyone can easily see that it has been fabricated and not the messages i had actually sent.
its like she says jump and they ask how high, without even questioning anything.
is this normal? are these people able to fool all the people all the time?
to put this into perspective, my kids were with a violent and cruel abuser, staying with a drug addict, in a crime ridden street, with no contact at all. naturally this is a worrying thing to any 'normal' parent. she goes to the police and fabricates literally nonsense texts, and the police want to punish me.
one time i was taking the kids back to her house and train was delayed so i would be late. i informed her of the delay and told her i would let her know when we would arrive.
im in busy noisy central city train station with my phone in my pocket. we get on the train and i check my phone. i have 16 missed calls within the space of 9 minutes. accompanied by 11 abusive texts with things like threatening me with the police because i was late.
i didnt go to the police and try to get her arrested, i just shrugged it off and got on with my life. thats the difference between a normal person and an abuser. surely the police are used to dealing with abusers and can see it, dont they have training, or at least a sense of logic, or right and wrong. i dont understand
oh how i wish this was over and i could start to move on
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