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Post by brownie on Jan 16, 2017 21:22:31 GMT
Hello Im not sure if the people who helped me on this board a few years back are still here. I sure hope they are! My name is "Brownie" at least on here  i wamted to come back to post a thank you! Wow this board saved me in so many ways. I have so far still yet to go and would not allow myself to post here until I knew I was away for good. Would love to know if anyone is still around? Will share more later brownie |
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janine
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Post by janine on Jan 16, 2017 21:55:06 GMT
Hey Brownie, Yes, I remember you!!
And Steve is still here too and stops by every now and then.
Hope all is well!
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Post by joanne1844 on Jan 17, 2017 12:51:51 GMT
Hi Brownie I remember you, you were around in "my day" too I still come here every day and read, I feel such a connection to this place after the help and support I got. Fairly sure if it wasn't for this site, I'd probably be a shell of a person now. Jo |
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karen
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Post by karen on Jan 18, 2017 3:23:16 GMT
Hi Brownie..I have been here since Sept 2014, I think I remember you, but either way I am glad you are doing better! I can relate to how this site has "saved" me in so many ways! Welcome back! Would love to hear how you are doing! |
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Post by brownie on Jan 18, 2017 15:01:54 GMT
Hello Again Let me give a tiny background and share where I am now! I am married to a man that I no longer live or associate with. We were married for over 20 years and have two amazing children. During our marriage I endured a heavy hand and a very controlling husband. That statement is difficult for me to say. I say it with my mouth but still have that twinge in my heart that my marriage failed because I am a terrible ungodly selfish wife. Not sure when that will go away? Anyway I tried to leave several times. I continued to be taken back forceably by him or willing by guilt. Wow I'm not sure which was worse actually. Finally after many times and many corrections I left. I have been gone for quite a while and am starting to try and figure things out. This board/members truly saved me. I was very inconsistent with posting due to my circumstances but always no matter what they gave good advice. I decided when I left I would not post until I had been gone from him and no contact for over 6 months. My daughter lives on her own now away from the church and her father. She was unable to finish school due to finances but works two jobs and is a sweetheart. My son is married and doing amazing. He as well has no contact with his father or the church. I'm so blessed that we still have a great relationship after all I have put them through. I am in counseling which I think is a miracle ha ha but it's been a slow process. I tried counseling with Pastors but I could not bring myself to be honest and get past the fear of what they would do to me. I also found with one female pastor when I started to open up the things I shared freaked her out so I backed off. Finally after some time I made an appointment with a counselor at a local mental health facility. I have been seeing her once a week for months now. I still have so much I haven't told her but just can't brIng myself to yet. She is working with me on emotions and feelings. Seems silly at times to me but also very very difficult. She would like me to work on voicing my opinion and feelings. I always directly go to that response I "should" have or "submission mode" as she calls it. It is very difficult to make decisions on my own. My son told me once my husband could cut off my arm and I would say thank you. Ouch. I am livIng on my own which is the first time ever I have made it this long. I have a job! Which is exciting! I cannot say to much currently because my husband is not in jail or the Pastor. I have not been able to go to the police which frustrates my son sadly. I am careful and hear less and less from my husband trying to contact me. He has times when he is very angry and I have had to move a few times. Would love any thoughts or input to help me in this time. Thanks for listening to me and still allowing me to visit this board when I have been so unfaithful at times. Brownie |
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janine
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Post by janine on Jan 18, 2017 16:06:00 GMT
Brownie,
It is so nice to get this update from you! I bet you Steve will be thrilled as well when he checks back in.
You are always welcome here, no matter what.
You have not been 'unfaithful' at all. It sounds like you took and take such great care of yourself. What I am hearing is a lot of empowerment.
You empowered yourself and you made sure you could be a mom for your kids and and a grandmother for your grandkids. Way to go.
I am proud of you.
You also asked a very good question...When will that go away?
Part of the reason why abusers and cults/sects are so 'successful' in brainwashing and controlling people is that they give you the same messages over and over again.
They also isolate you and cut you off from any external influences or input. If everyone around you starts saying the same thing, you have no choice but to believe it at least a little bit.
As I mentioned before, you have experience not only domestic violence in your house and marriage, but spiritual abuse.
The pastor of the sect/cult you lived in is an abuser as well. They are all criminals actually and broke the law by what they did.
It sounds like you have been gone for a long time now and you also connected with a licensed clinical mental health counselor.
That is the key. That is the road of healing.
That is the future.
Continue to put your safety first and listen to your gut.
You make very very very good decisions Brownie. You can trust yourself.
No God would ever want His children to go through what you did. Marriage is supposed to be safe.
Take it one day at a time and continue the things you did.
I always recommend licensed counselors because the trauma these experiences cause is serious.
You got this.
And congratulations on having a job!!
For the moments in which things might feel a little heavy, please know we are always here and you can also always contact a DV hotline 24/7.
They understand.
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karen
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Post by karen on Jan 19, 2017 4:06:15 GMT
Hi Brownie! I am so happy for you that you are safe and on a journey to healing. "trust your journey"..that is my motto! And thank you for the update! You are a very strong and courageous woman and I too do not think you are "unfaithful" to anyone or anything.especially this forum! The best part about this forum is you can post anytime and for any reason and ANYTHING you want or need to share. This forum saved me as well, it changed my life and was/is a vital part of my "journey".
Openly talking about what happened in an abusive relationship can be very hard. It brings it to the forefront and actually saying the words has a profound affect on us. I remember practicing what I was going to say when I got to therapy before I got there, so I would be prepared for any reaction from my therapist..also I had a very difficult time crying in front of her. It physically hurt to let her see me cry..it was my most vulnerable moments. AND it took a lot for me to trust that somehow I wouldn't get hurt by my therapist. It was completely safe..but it was scarey learning that.
One thing that helped me so much was "journaling"..I keep a journal. Writing it down helped me so much, to get those thoughts and feelings out. I took a therapeutic writing class and that helped to figure out what I was thinking and feeling. I shared only what I wanted and kept to myself that which I didn't want or couldn't share.
Even writing it down and reading it to my therapist helped..again, I had prepared it ahead of time and that helped me to process it and share it. All you are doing sounds so good for you! You are taking care of yourself and going forward..one small baby step at a time. Every little step is progress.
So glad you have a job too...that can be so healing as well!
Brownie..you are doing such great things to help yourself, to love yourself, and to go forward. There is a beautiful light at the end of what seems like a very dark tunnel...it is there.
Keep going, keep taking care of you! Anytime I can help I will be happy to!
TTYL
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Post by brownie on Jan 20, 2017 1:59:16 GMT
Janine- thank you again so much for your kind words!! I love that you said I was empowered haha I don't feel empowered that's for sure! On a serious note, I leave out so many details and even my true feelings most of the time when I speak to the therapist. Not because I dis like her but I still get stuck and feel like it's wrong and not to trust what she says because I only agree because it's easy. It's what I want which is me being selfish. Crazy I know!
Karen thank you for your kind words as well! It's hard for me to feel like I can just freely come and speak here without owing something or that I'm taking. What was it (I'm sorry if this is to personal if it is just don't answer) that caused you to start trusting your therapist? I so relate to the crying thing and the physical pain, it causes me to have physical pain just to say how I'm feeling or share something negative
I went back and read some of my old posts...wow is all that can say
Wonder if I should let me therapist read some? Thoughts?
Again thanks so much you have no idea how valuable your input is to me.
Brownie
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karen
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Post by karen on Jan 20, 2017 5:13:33 GMT
Hi Brownie..To answer your question, I started to trust her I think not too far into the therapy program. I went to therapy for over a year and I stopped, then went back again when I felt that I was ABUSED in my workplace and I got "fired". It was very traumatic.
What helped me to trust her is that I could tell she really understood and honestly, I just couldn't hold it back anymore. Also, she is a she, I felt safe with her and she really helped me understand that she understood. I also knew that in order for me to really make gains with healing, I had to let it out, I cried only a few visits with her and much more crying as the sessions went on. l also really understood that I had to face the pain and then let it go. Although she never said, I suspect she may have experienced abuse at some point and I realized, She wasn't going to hurt me, or judge me. Her goal was my goal. I talked about what I wanted, she would nudge me a bit to talk about things I didn't want to. I have a lot of experience with counseling from the field I work in, I knew it could work and really help me to get better. I also knew everything I told her was confidential..only between she and I. I have been to counselling before with other therapists and some were not helpful, I connected with this one. I felt safe in her office and once I finally let go of "holding back" my tears..oh how I felt so much better. I was very determined to heal. I didn't want to let this beat me, to consume me and to have the pain from the abuse destroy the rest of my life. I wanted to live my life to the fullest..so again, I was very determined to find my way out of that dark tunnel. That motivated me and kind of "pushed" me to face the things I didn't like.
Letting your therapist read your posts I think could be helpful..it will give them the insight into knowing more of what happened to you. My therapist knew I was on this site, and I talked a lot about some of the things I read here. I needed to process it and how it related to what I had experienced. It was all part of my healing journey. I never shared the exact posts..but I did tell her about the forum and how it was helping me. She supported me in being on this site. She also knew I didn't get much out of the support groups at the center I went to. I didn't fit in with the other ladies in the group. So she was all for me finding support in any way I could.
I had been traumatized by what the abusers had done...and I had many "ah ha" moments where I discovered a lot of thoughts and feelings I was having. I learned a lot about myself and again, I began to trust her because I was determined to get better and I knew if I didn't trust someone to help me, I wouldn't have gotten anywhere.
I love life, I love my life now. I had gotten free and I was determined to live well and be healthy mentally and physically. To be stronger, I needed help and I just said to myself, I have to do this and I did and the benefit outweighed my fears and hesitations.
Take one step at a time. If your therapist isn't helping you, maybe find another? It can be hard, but once you find the right "fit", it will work!
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janine
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Post by janine on Jan 20, 2017 13:29:08 GMT
Hi Brownie, It is totally ok to leave out anything you do not feel comfortable sharing with a therapist. That therapy time is your time, your agenda, and only you get to choose what and when you want to talk about. Like Karen said you can also see if you find a therapist that feels 'more right' if you feel like something is missing with this one. In fact, I doubted for a few months whether or not my therapist was a good fit. He is male, and while I wanted a male therapist to start trusting that there are also good men out there, it was also hard in the beginning. What convinced me to stay was that a close female friend recommended him, and I trusted her 100%. Therapy is such a personal and different experience, isn't it! I felt odd about going there and sharing personal things at first. But like Karen said, I also could not hold it back anymore. I knew I needed help. Licensed clinical counselors are a blessing. Pastoral counseling just isnt the same, because the clinical psychology component can only be learned in accredited clinical counseling licensure programs. I am sure there are good pastors who offer terrific counseling services, just as there are not so good clinical counselors. But generally speaking a licensed clinical counselor is the way to go for trauma in my opinion. And you never know - while you slowly work on the 'submission mode' your therapist described, you might feel comfortable sharing more as time goes by. Or maybe not, and that is ok too. Give yourself permission to be just who you are. You are enough and you are a good person. Trauma and long-term abuse mess with our brains. But the brain has what we call 'neuroplasticity'. This means our brains can physically change. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NeuroplasticityThis is good news because you already describe a change in the way you are thinking - like for example when you said you went back and read older posts here on the forum and reacted with "Wow, is all I can say." That is right, wow!!! That is no longer your daily life, because you actively took one small step at a time. You saved yourself. You take good care of yourself. You chose being a mom, grandma, and free human being over abuse. Even if it may not yet feel like it, please let me repeat: You can be very proud of yourself. You are strong. You empowered yourself. You deserve to be loved and happy and safe. I bet it is amazing to be able to see your kids anytime you want. They too missed you and I am glad you all got out of the cult. As far as letting your therapist read your posts - like Karen said I think it could be useful. But as always, what feels right for YOU is right. You also don't have to make that decision today or next week. When it feels right, you will know. It took me a while to share certain things with my therapist- actually both therapists because I had a female college counseling therapist at university. Even with her - and she was an amazing clinical counselor - I needed space and time to feel safe. You did the right thing by connecting with a licensed clinical counselor and getting yourself to safety. |
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Post by Thembi on Jan 26, 2017 21:18:43 GMT
Its amazing to hear you are doing so well! I appreciate you have a way still to go, and it's been a long and hard road, with many twists and turns, but you are getting there, and that you've been able to make a much better life for your children.
I am here by chance. I've been thinking, well worrying really, a lot about recent political events which are not even in my country, so I dropped by this forum for the first time in several years, and there you are! You are, without any doubt in my mind, one of the true success stories of this forum and the old message board. I still shudder at what those "corrections" you had to endure might involve :-((
Stay strong, and always believe in yourself! You need to give yourself time, lots of time. It took me, and I had it very easy compared to most, ten years, with my daughters already at university for two years, before I dared to go on holiday just for me. Even after all those years I felt guilty even then just for thinking about devoting my time and my money to myself. My daughters are now happily living independently and working in London and New Zealand.
And as for "Thembi", well I borrowed the name from Nelson Mandela's first son, Thembekile "Styles" (as he was always sharply dressed!) Mandela, who died in a car accident in 1969 while his father was in prison. I am actually Chris, and I am a survivor, and am doing fairly well; not always great, but I get by, which is mainly why I have not been active here for years.
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Post by brownie on Feb 7, 2017 16:43:06 GMT
Thembi so nice to meet you! I think of you as well I remember how frank you always were with me and it caused me to really think, it was good! Doing fairly well seems amazing and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing fairly well yet! I'm trying though. I do have to be careful here I had a rough time after posting. I can only imagine how silly that sounds but I had a bit of a tailspin after my recent visit here. My brain was flooded with memories of my husband. You are right the correction make me shudder!! They were horrible and I don't miss my husband or pastor Or elders or church in that regard. I still struggle with believing I deserve correction and even have times where I feel like I should be corrected it's been awhile, strange as it is. Still adjusting to being independent and making my own decisions. I second, third and fourth guess every decision. I'm sure glad you came back to visit and posted! Janine therapy wow is all I can say! I think I do have the right therapist I'm sure it's just me. I have never been an easy one. I find it very difficult to be honest when for so long I was never honest with anyone! I know a terrible thing for someone who is supposed to be a Christian but it's hard to not be in the mode of saying and making myself feel what I am supposed to? Does that may any sense? If I am supposed to be getting over my past then I say I am and smile. I'm not quite sure how to begin processing or allowing myself to process feelings?? Any suggestions? Is this normal?? It's very hard to feel things when it comes to the situation I know I'm not describing it very well. Karen I decided to not show my Dr the posts I did go back and read some and oh my goodness I'm so embarrassed and feel like no way I can do that right now. Anyway I'm doing a great job of faking everything for my family and possible therapist but I don't know how to do anything else haha any and all advice I welcome!!! Brownie |
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steve
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Post by steve on Feb 7, 2017 21:42:32 GMT
Brownie, wow, I can't believe it's you! I was thinking about you just the other day, and I dropped in here today just randomly, after several months hiatus, and here you are! I am SO proud of you for getting away, AND for raising up such wonderful kids despite the insanity you had to endure. You are truly one of the most courageous people I have ever known. I particularly remember how you managed to create a justification for having the laptop out of the office, and how you used to bury money in the garden so you wouldn't get caught. It seriously sounded like you were living in a prisoner of war camp!
Well, I am just thrilled to hear you got out and are getting some therapy now. I know it's a slow process sometimes, but learning how and when to trust and also that it is OK NOT to trust people until they prove themselves worthy is a big part of the therapy process. So you take your time and share at your own pace and it will all work out the way it is supposed to.
I don't know if you recall or knew this, but the story you shared is the lead quote in chapter 3 of my book, because it provided such a touching and accurate picture of how an abuser reels in his/her victim by pretending to me "nice." Your story touched me deeply, and is now touching a lot of others, even though they have no idea who you are or where you live. So you're helping others to get away and stay away from abuse. I hope that makes you happy!
Thanks for making my day - it is simply wonderful to hear you are out and doing well!!!!
--- Steve
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Post by steve on Feb 7, 2017 21:43:38 GMT
P.S. I think letting your therapist read some old posts might be a great way to share some of what happened in a safer way. See if it feels good to you, but I think it's a great idea!
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steve
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Post by steve on Feb 7, 2017 21:45:36 GMT
Oh, and Thembi, I'm also really happy to hear you are still around! I can easily surmise what politics you're talking about, because we're in deep doo-doo over here in the USA. It is most baffling and frightening that Americans could vote for this abusive narcissist in such large numbers. I guess lots of people want to believe in the "good guy" and are able to look the other way at even the most obvious signs of danger. Yikes!
Anyway, great to hear from you, too!
--- Steve
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Post by brownie on Feb 9, 2017 18:13:59 GMT
Steve, I did remember you had said you shared some of my story in your book but never read it until recently! I was to afraid to have the book and get caught but bought the e version once I moved out! I did see the section and wow it was shocking, scary and thrilling all at the same time the book is so good and eye opening so many sections I read and said yep! Thanks for the reminder of it being ok to not feel like I need to trust others. I also wanted to tell you, that my Dr said has mentioned Stockholm and I remembered you telling me the same thing a long time ago. He explained that because I feel great guilt for leaving and see myself as the problem in the relationship despite what I endured I continue to give him respect and obedience. Now if I could just figure out how to make it go away! Will the guilt lessen over time? Also I am still having a hard time being up front in my appointments. It's like a big circular wave, I'm afraid at reactions I have only shared a very small part of some of the abuse, I worry what they may say and I also worry they will think I'm a terrible person. I wish I could describe it better. I sometimes have the same anxiety with my Dr as I did with my husband is that normal? Will that go away? I'm having a very hard time with figuring out my feelings, not sure how I'm supposed to be feeling? I'm trying to do and be what they are telling me, but not sure how? I don't get the take your time, don't try and figure it out, it will naturally happen over time? Also struggling with my feelings toward my husband. We are not living together but he is still my husband and is owed my respect. How do I do that from afar with no contact? Also on the no contact when will he stop trying?? I have gone through 3,phones and moved twice I don't want to move far away from my kiddos. I don't see or hear from him for a few weeks then I see him daily on the street, calling me, etc. I certainly have weak moments and listen to him and even respond and will consider going back but most of the time I know he is lying. Wondering when he will stop? I'm sorry if I cinfused anyone and I really appreciate the help!! On a good note I really am enjoying my children! I enjoy being with them anytime I want!!!! Once again thank you so much for your help Brownie |
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steve
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Post by steve on Feb 9, 2017 19:12:40 GMT
First off, you're not SUPPOSED to be feeling anything. That can be hard to accept after years of being told what you're supposed to think and feel, but really, it is up to you to decide what feelings to have, and ALL feelings are always OK.
My suggestion on therapy is to talk about what's on your mind, which sounds like your fear of their reactions. I think you just start there and say "I'm afraid to tell you what's going on because I'm worried about how you'll react to it." A good therapist can use this to guide their questions, for instance, I'd probably say, "OK. Let me know what kind of reaction you are worried I'll have," and then look into how you came to believe this was likely to occur. You can get to a lot of emotions without having to share any really personal stories th way.
Great to know you and your kids are connecting again! I know how much they love you and they must feel a great relief and joy to know you're out of that crazy environment! Remember that the joy of living is what life is REALLY about - so enjoy those kids, that's the best part of life!
Again, GREAT to see you again!
--- Steve
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