Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2014 6:20:49 GMT
I just joined this forum and it does so good to know I'm not the only one this is happening to.
But I just can't understand why it keeps happening!
I am 40 years old, and have suffered 40 years of abuse. From my biological parents who didn't want me and subjected me to physical, emotional and sexual abuse, to the forced marriage when I was 22 - my "father" had sold me into this, but I cannot bring myself to call him father so I shall refer to him as my brother from now on - to several abusive relationships, to my stalker who brutally kicked my beloved cat to death in 2009, then yet another abusive guy - to now, having been abused to the extreme by my husband - after having had to find out he never loved me but only married me in order to get a visa to the UK.
I know this keeps happening because, being all alone with no family or friends, I am vulnerable - and predators can sniff a vulnerable person from a mile off.
What I can't understand is why in the midst of all these countless abusers there hasn't been even one person who was different, who was loving, trustworthy, honest, supportive and respectful.
The most recent was my marriage, which, as I found out just yesterday, was based upon a lie. Before we got married he claimed he loved me ever so much and would never leave me, and, despite everything that I have been through, I trusted him, I believed that somewhere there are still decent human beings.
So I went all alone to Pakistan to marry him - everybody thought I was barking mad, but I did it.
As soon as he came to the UK, the abuse started. Screaming, accusations that I had "ruined his life", him leaving etc.
But he only had a 6 month visa, so he calmed down a little - because he was worried about his next visa.
We then applied for his 5 year visa - on the grounds that he is married to me - and from the moment that he got that - 3 weeks ago - the abuse went through the roof! He was devious enough to actually twist the truth to such an extend that he accused ME of abusing him, he accused me of having ruined his life, of being stupid, he kept screaming virtually nonstop - but accused ME of screaming - he threatened to destroy my life and to kick me out of my own house.
When I cried he would claim that I "always cry", that this is "my habbit", that I'm "just looking for excuses to cry", that I was "just playing mindgames with him and blackmailing him", he accused me of "holding him as a slave", of doing everything wrong and only making wrong decisions.
All the while I spent about $30,000 on him, despite only being on low wages - from my trip to Pakistan, to the wedding, to buying clothes and other things for him - he kept demanding more and more. I never received so much as one cent from him, he has never worked in his life, and had no intention of ever working. I have fought for both his visas, taken him to the doctor and dentist, defended him towards people who were suspicious of him, encouraged him to stay in contact with his parents - I did everything for him.
The abuse got worse and he then kept saying he is going to leave me because I am "so abusive" and had "destroyed his life" - constantly screaming and calling ME abusive - and even running to neighbors, claiming that I had physically abused him and that I was crazy! (Not that the neighbors believed him, they could hear him screaming and knew he was just a lazy layabout and only in it for the visa)
So he kept saying he wanted to leave me, but had the cheek to say he wouldn't go back to Pakistan without $7000, and that he would stay with me - on my money - until he had found somewhere else to go. He then admitted he had never loved me but only married me for the visa, and then he became so so cruel - I had gone outside in the car to be alone, he followed, and kept going at me "you can never leave me, I am smarter then you because I am Pakistani, just try and call the police, I will tell them that YOU abused ME, what can you do, you can do nothing, just try and get me deported, nobody can touch me because I am smarter", and when I cried and quietly asked him to go back in the house and leave me alone he kept going on and on and on at me - he wanted to see tears, he actually ENJOYED my suffering, and he wanted to make it worse!
All this is not to say that there hasn't been any physical abuse - he raped me a few days before we got married, and I was so scared because that was in Pakistan, and in Pakistan sex outside marriage is considered a crime against the state!!!
He also often lashed out with the hand as if to hit me, but then stopped just short of my face - it was so scary! He also often grabbed my arm, prevented me from going outside, and otherwise hurt me whilst pretending it was just accidential.
He kept saying I had only married him because "I wanted a slave" - this I never understood since it was me that always did EVERYTHING for him, doing the housework, running the household etc. When I tried to ask what he meant by that, he would say "yeah you think you are so smart".
The day after he got his 5 year visa he - now of course not needing me any more - screamed in my face that he would destroy my whole life and kick me out of my own house - "I just need to make one phone call and your whole life will be destroyed" - so I called police.
They came and he claimed I had allegedly abused him, but they took him away. He asked to be taken to the train station. I found him there several hours later, screaming and crying. I called police again as I thought by then he needed sectioning to a mental institution. Police however said they couldn't do that, and asked me to take him back until he finds somewhere else to go.
So the abuse continued until the scene in the car yesterday, during which he admitted he never loved me, and then kept going on and on at me - all the while grinning such an evil grin and with mad looking eyes and clearly enjoying my suffering and trying his utmost to make me suffer more and more.
So I called cops again once I finally managed to get him out of the car. I was relieved to hear from police that emotional abuse is a crime too and it's abuse too, and they were so concerned about my safety - I was too scared to go back in the house - that they sent an officer round, and when the police officer came I said I want my husband out of the house. The officer took him, where I don't know - and I don't care, for all I know he can freeze to death outside, I couldn't care less!
Yes, of course it all started off with him being lovey dovey and I thought I had found my Mr Right - but he was just another Mr Wrong.
Devious as he is, he's now planning on getting some single woman pregnant so that he can live off her single parents benefits!!!
I'm worried now how to go about a divorce - I can't divorce him yet as according to UK law one has to be married for one year before one can get divorced, and we only got married in August last year, and even then - I lost all my money because of him, only earn low wages, Legal Aid is not available for divorce any more, and also - I don't know where he is.
I've heard before of women who had their husbands disappear and they had to wait many years before they could divorce him, and it happened to me before - that forced marriage was also for immigration purposes, and once I was out of that and started divorce proceedings the guy just refused to sign the divorce papers - so I couldn't divorce him until he got his British passport and therefore agreed to a divorce (that was an Indian national)!
I'm still in shock - shock that he abused me, shock that he never loved me but only used me, shock that everything, the whole marriage, was just one big lie.
I'm all alone in this - no family, no friends. No support whatsoever. I feel like I just want to die and yet I still have this strong survival instinct that gives me the strength to keep on fighting.
Anyone who can help me?
But I just can't understand why it keeps happening!
I am 40 years old, and have suffered 40 years of abuse. From my biological parents who didn't want me and subjected me to physical, emotional and sexual abuse, to the forced marriage when I was 22 - my "father" had sold me into this, but I cannot bring myself to call him father so I shall refer to him as my brother from now on - to several abusive relationships, to my stalker who brutally kicked my beloved cat to death in 2009, then yet another abusive guy - to now, having been abused to the extreme by my husband - after having had to find out he never loved me but only married me in order to get a visa to the UK.
I know this keeps happening because, being all alone with no family or friends, I am vulnerable - and predators can sniff a vulnerable person from a mile off.
What I can't understand is why in the midst of all these countless abusers there hasn't been even one person who was different, who was loving, trustworthy, honest, supportive and respectful.
The most recent was my marriage, which, as I found out just yesterday, was based upon a lie. Before we got married he claimed he loved me ever so much and would never leave me, and, despite everything that I have been through, I trusted him, I believed that somewhere there are still decent human beings.
So I went all alone to Pakistan to marry him - everybody thought I was barking mad, but I did it.
As soon as he came to the UK, the abuse started. Screaming, accusations that I had "ruined his life", him leaving etc.
But he only had a 6 month visa, so he calmed down a little - because he was worried about his next visa.
We then applied for his 5 year visa - on the grounds that he is married to me - and from the moment that he got that - 3 weeks ago - the abuse went through the roof! He was devious enough to actually twist the truth to such an extend that he accused ME of abusing him, he accused me of having ruined his life, of being stupid, he kept screaming virtually nonstop - but accused ME of screaming - he threatened to destroy my life and to kick me out of my own house.
When I cried he would claim that I "always cry", that this is "my habbit", that I'm "just looking for excuses to cry", that I was "just playing mindgames with him and blackmailing him", he accused me of "holding him as a slave", of doing everything wrong and only making wrong decisions.
All the while I spent about $30,000 on him, despite only being on low wages - from my trip to Pakistan, to the wedding, to buying clothes and other things for him - he kept demanding more and more. I never received so much as one cent from him, he has never worked in his life, and had no intention of ever working. I have fought for both his visas, taken him to the doctor and dentist, defended him towards people who were suspicious of him, encouraged him to stay in contact with his parents - I did everything for him.
The abuse got worse and he then kept saying he is going to leave me because I am "so abusive" and had "destroyed his life" - constantly screaming and calling ME abusive - and even running to neighbors, claiming that I had physically abused him and that I was crazy! (Not that the neighbors believed him, they could hear him screaming and knew he was just a lazy layabout and only in it for the visa)
So he kept saying he wanted to leave me, but had the cheek to say he wouldn't go back to Pakistan without $7000, and that he would stay with me - on my money - until he had found somewhere else to go. He then admitted he had never loved me but only married me for the visa, and then he became so so cruel - I had gone outside in the car to be alone, he followed, and kept going at me "you can never leave me, I am smarter then you because I am Pakistani, just try and call the police, I will tell them that YOU abused ME, what can you do, you can do nothing, just try and get me deported, nobody can touch me because I am smarter", and when I cried and quietly asked him to go back in the house and leave me alone he kept going on and on and on at me - he wanted to see tears, he actually ENJOYED my suffering, and he wanted to make it worse!
All this is not to say that there hasn't been any physical abuse - he raped me a few days before we got married, and I was so scared because that was in Pakistan, and in Pakistan sex outside marriage is considered a crime against the state!!!
He also often lashed out with the hand as if to hit me, but then stopped just short of my face - it was so scary! He also often grabbed my arm, prevented me from going outside, and otherwise hurt me whilst pretending it was just accidential.
He kept saying I had only married him because "I wanted a slave" - this I never understood since it was me that always did EVERYTHING for him, doing the housework, running the household etc. When I tried to ask what he meant by that, he would say "yeah you think you are so smart".
The day after he got his 5 year visa he - now of course not needing me any more - screamed in my face that he would destroy my whole life and kick me out of my own house - "I just need to make one phone call and your whole life will be destroyed" - so I called police.
They came and he claimed I had allegedly abused him, but they took him away. He asked to be taken to the train station. I found him there several hours later, screaming and crying. I called police again as I thought by then he needed sectioning to a mental institution. Police however said they couldn't do that, and asked me to take him back until he finds somewhere else to go.
So the abuse continued until the scene in the car yesterday, during which he admitted he never loved me, and then kept going on and on at me - all the while grinning such an evil grin and with mad looking eyes and clearly enjoying my suffering and trying his utmost to make me suffer more and more.
So I called cops again once I finally managed to get him out of the car. I was relieved to hear from police that emotional abuse is a crime too and it's abuse too, and they were so concerned about my safety - I was too scared to go back in the house - that they sent an officer round, and when the police officer came I said I want my husband out of the house. The officer took him, where I don't know - and I don't care, for all I know he can freeze to death outside, I couldn't care less!
Yes, of course it all started off with him being lovey dovey and I thought I had found my Mr Right - but he was just another Mr Wrong.
Devious as he is, he's now planning on getting some single woman pregnant so that he can live off her single parents benefits!!!
I'm worried now how to go about a divorce - I can't divorce him yet as according to UK law one has to be married for one year before one can get divorced, and we only got married in August last year, and even then - I lost all my money because of him, only earn low wages, Legal Aid is not available for divorce any more, and also - I don't know where he is.
I've heard before of women who had their husbands disappear and they had to wait many years before they could divorce him, and it happened to me before - that forced marriage was also for immigration purposes, and once I was out of that and started divorce proceedings the guy just refused to sign the divorce papers - so I couldn't divorce him until he got his British passport and therefore agreed to a divorce (that was an Indian national)!
I'm still in shock - shock that he abused me, shock that he never loved me but only used me, shock that everything, the whole marriage, was just one big lie.
I'm all alone in this - no family, no friends. No support whatsoever. I feel like I just want to die and yet I still have this strong survival instinct that gives me the strength to keep on fighting.
Anyone who can help me?