New member - help needed please

Hey Karen and welcome here,

It does sound like your son makes the choice to repeat some patterns he saw his father use in his relationship- control, violence, abuse.
Looking back I am sure it is hard to see what you could, would, should have done "better" when really- at that time you did what you could with what you had. Many women are so traumatized by the abuse and in consequence do not defend their children from an abusive father, stepfather or boyfriend.

I am glad to hear you found a way out of that trauma with your Ex husband and got away from him. It sounds like you have been working very, very hard on yourself to become a better mother for both your children AND yourself.

The choices your daughter and son now make- be it using silent treatment or no contact with you or abusing you- are THEIR choices. It must be difficult for a parent to see their grown children take paths you might not have wanted for them. Now even though this might be a sad thought- that they do what they want and consider best for them-- and you might have to try and live with the thought that you alone cannot ever change the...BUT you have a lot of power and strength and choices still.

You can focus on YOUR life, on bettering yourself every day a little bit (by better I mean "love yourself, forgive yourself and practice gratitude for the good things in each day) because so much has already come from a place of guilt and anger and shame when we live with abusive people and have a family with them.

You might see if it feels ok to involve a professional counselor. People can give you all sorts of advice but they as long as they are not a good, trained therapist- you might find it harder to really get the feeling out of it that you are working in progress that remains. Depending on where you live and what your health insurance is counseling is often very cheap with basic insurance and in many countries with universal healthcare "free". You can also call a national domestioc violence hotline or local shelter to ask for practical advice about your son.

The situation now as it is sounds unbearable and he seems to make very poor choices and as if he could benefit from help. Now both of your children have been exposed to abuse in their childhood and have a right to choose how they handle it- and the only thing you can do is protect yourself from his self-destructive behavior. Only a professional can help him now as well - and unless someone is really willing to work on themselves- its often very difficult to convince them outside help is needed.

I wish there was more I could say- the situation is a bit different from what i experienced with DV, however the dynamics remain the same in all families if abuse is present. The fact you do feel sorry and have taken practical steps to better yourself shows that you have a lot of compassion and self reflection. Those are wonderful character traits and a great base to start from when you want to heal and be a positive light in your children's life.

A professional counselor can set up a goal plan with you and walk you through strategies on how to safely interact with your son and maybe even get him to come to family therapy. When choosing a counselor its also important to see how you feel about him/her, what their credentials are and if the board of counselors has records of an active license. The last thing someone needs is a bad counselor match after all.

Let us know how things develop- if the calls to a counselor and/or domestic violence hotline helped you and what other strategies you might have in mind that could help improve the situation.

hang in there!!

Thank you for the replies, Janine and andankhesenamun.
The neglect I had as a child was physical and emotional, but I knew my mother loved me. I was dirty, had few clothes and had really bad matted hair. School didn't do anything for me. They must has seen my hair. But no one from social services looked out for me. My older sister was taken into care, but she was refusing to go to school, so that is why they removed her. And I am glad they never took me as back then - early 70's in the UK, lots of children were abused in care. Lots of things are in the news at the moment, as the kids have grown up and are starting to report it, it's horrendous, so maybe my life wasn't as bad as some. I was bullied because of how I looked.
I know if it happened now, things are so much better and there is some great support out there for children.

ankhesenamun I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered. it must have been terrible. And when you get older, I think when you are away from the abuse, this is when it plays on your mind and you try to work out what the hell happened. It takes time to deal with it and get to a happy place. Sending my love to you x

I have had counselling a few years ago, just after the break up. I attendied a womans only group and had a few other group sessions, plus one to one,
It helped me enormously at the time and helped me to get where I am now.

The things my kids have said to me about my ex happened after the counselling. I stood by them and told them we were going to the police, but they wouldn't come with me. And I was unsure if, in my daughters case as she had told me lots of lies in the past, if it was true, so I didn;t want to go to the police, in case it was lies. Which when she refused to come to the police station, I was in doubt if it was true.
I told my son a few weeks ago, I will go to the police and let all the past come out! If it helps them I don't care if I get charged with neglect.

I never stood by and watched my ex beat my kids. He would lash out and my kids would run upstairs and i would have to get in front of my ex. We would row all night and the kids would be upstairs.
If it happened now, I would ring the police and have him charged, but at the time I didin't. I was terrified of my kids being taken into care!
Because of what happened to my sister, I thought they were better at home.
I always fed my kids and they had as much as I could give them - they compared themselves to richer families and so we looked like we had not a lot, but they were clean and I spent all my money on them and our home to keep them warm and safe.

It was the ex who ruled the house and we all had to try not to upset him. But later on, after I had been standing up to him, he did get better!
Things at home were better (i got him on anti depressants) so things were good , until my 18 year old daughter said he had abused her. She said nothing else - the ex wouldn't, and I threw him out! I begged her to come to the police but she wouldn't. So over the years, we have been on and off with our relationship. Any time I wouldn't babysit as I was tired or ill, she would say I let him abuse her and I am a terrible mother(i had her son from a baby and kept them both until she moved into her boyfriends home)
So I had to cut her off about 18 months ago as I couldn't cope with her anymore - I have not seen my grandson or her new baby. I doubt we will ever make it up.

My son, I have spoken to an alcohol counselor who told me to say NO - NO is a care word and he has to get to rock bottom, to get himself out of the way he is. He told me to look after myself.
Another person who has offered me advice is a woman's action group, who are helping my daughter in law move to another area.
She has told me to look after myself. my son is an adult and has to sort himself out.

I am going to try to put myself first from now on. I don't see him without food, even though it is due to him not going to to sign on for his out of work benefits (you have to sign every 2 weeks to get your payments)
~His younger brother takes him some food - if he wants some he will have to ask for it. (i used to take a couple of bags of groceries and drop them off - but he is an adult, i would be embarrassed to get this from a parent, he really needs a kick up the backside and get out of the mess he's in)

I am going to try my best to get away from feeling bad about the past. It was my ex that caused this and should feel bad.

The thing that gets me is, my son has even lived at the ex's place when it was empty, rent free- he seemed to get on with him, so I thought it was all done and the past forgotten - my daughter let her son lives with us when he was a baby and sleep in our bed when she went out drinking. Why do that if the man is an abuser - i did argue this with her once - she said "well, i think he must have stopped doing it so wouldn't do it to him" She eve let him bath him with out 2 young boys!!! I am confused by it all - I seem to be the one blamed for everything!

Anyway, thank you for the great advice. everyone says to leave my son alone to work things out for himself -
I have gone from nothing to having a good job, new parter and lots of good friends at work
(i was stay at home mum for years, then single mum on benefits, in my forties with not a good work record and overweight and used to be agoraphobic and also with bi-polar - if I can do it - my son can do it, if he puts his mind to it)

Thank you again!

I agree with Janine - this is tough stuff and you need some guidance. He sounds like he needs some help, too, but may not recognize it. For starters, he has to address the substance abuse, because he is hiding from his demons and creating worse problems by drinking his feelings away. But again, he has to realize that.

It may seem cruel, but sometimes the most loving thing to do is to stop providing support and let him feel the consequences of his actions. You can offer to help him under certain conditions, like "I'll help you financially once you've gotten yourself into treatment" or "you can come and stay at my place after you show you've been clean for a couple of months and have gotten into some counseling." If he says he doesn't need any help, you may have to say, "Well, I think you do, and I'm not helping you by allowing you to avoid dealing with your issues." He may also resort to trying to make you feel guilty, which is sometimes tougher than when they're aggressive, but stick to your resolve. You may want to consider joining a support group for family members of substance abusers, such as Al-Anon, because there are many who have had similar challenges. I myself had to cut my son off from support for a couple of months when he went down the path of substance abuse. Fortunately, he figured it out before anything too awful happened, but he did end up being assaulted by his roommate before he came to his senses. It's scary and very painful, but it was really the only thing we had left to do. You can't control an adult child's choices.

And I get that looking back, you can see you should have left earlier, but hindsight is 20-20, and it isn't so easy to just get up and leave an abusive partner, especially when you have kids. While it is true you were responsible for staying with him, the fact is, HE is responsible for the abuse he inflicted on you and on them, and he is the one who put you in the awful position of having to decide whether to separate from the kids' father or continue to put up with his abusive behavior. You are NOT responsible for his abuse - it is very hard to predict or control when a person decides to travel that pathway.

So take care of yourself, and I'd suggest starting to learn to say NO to your son and not allow his anger or manipulative guilt tripping to get to you. He is an adult and has the capacity to take care of himself, but he is choosing to wallow in his misery instead of finding a way to move on. If he tries to blame you, I would suggest you say, "You know, you're right. I should have left him a lot earlier. But I didn't, and we can't go back and change the past. But the real question is: what are YOU going to do TODAY to deal with the impact your past life is having on you?"

Hope that helps!

---- Steve