No, you dont have to give them any details. They might ask you first thing if you feel your life is in danger right now- because then they would urge you to have the police come and rescue you. BUT that is on YOUR terms. YOU are in charge and choose which options from the shelter might sound appealing to you.
You can talk to them about all issues and never mention your name or anything. A good shelter worker will know exactly what you are going through right now and they will just help you see that there is a way out and that sometimes- we are never fully ready to run away. I wasn't ready when I did but my Ex attacked me very badly that night and I finally understood with my heart there was no future. And that another day would only put me at greater risk.
Take all the time you need- the last thing an abused woman needs is to feel as if she HAS to do one more thing very, very fast because you must already be so exhausted from trying to protect yourself when he blows up and from walking on eggshells non stop while he is tense and you worry when he hits you the next time.
The "normal" part you experience in the relationship is the so called "honeymoon" phase in the cycle of violence. Abusers know that if they would hit you non stop every day and every second you would get out sooner. They need to choose to be "kind" in order for your traumatic bonding to keep on working its magic. The "love" many victims of abuse describe is not really love....what they feel is simple as that a trauma. A bond they dont know and for which they dont have words so they try and make sense of it and say: But...I LOVE him.
We could replace the word "love" with:
But I cannot just leave him because....I am heavily traumatized from months or years of physical and emotional abuse. But since it started slowly and in between he chose to be nice I am addicted to that good feeling only HE can give me because he is in charge at all times. he makes me feel bad and he makes me feel good because I feel things are "good" if I am not being beaten, insulted, shoved or threatened. He persuaded me to set the bar so low that I am happy if I dont have bruises or see the scary expression in his eyes when he is in rage. So I tell myself what I feel MUST be love. And even though my gut tells me he is a monster deep down I hope for that charming man to come back he used to choose to be in the beginning.
See what the shelter tells you is out there and then check in with yourself what feels right.
It is always good to make that step to talk to professionals- who deal every minute with a woman in your situation.
You dont have to live like this. And in a normal relationship NONE of this would EVER happen. A normal man would never hit you even during an argument. He would never ever call you a bitch or anything like that. HE is not normal. YOU react very very normal to a traumatic situation he chooses every day to put you through. For him it is about control over you. It is painful and hard to understand but abusers ARE that way. You project your loving feelings onto him and assume his brain works the same way as yours...but it never does.
A home is a place where you are safe. And accepted. And loved. And called kind words. And where you can have a bad day and not fear punishment. A good relationship is where you dont invest all of this energy into just trying to please him. It is more a of a team- a place where you can find energy to go back out into the world and deal with the rest of humanity
let us know how the call goes.
also...please ensure you delete the history in your phone ...or use a public payphone or a friend's phone when you call. Make sure he is not suddenly coming home or surprising you or overhearing you talk....
Leaving is the most dangerous moment. Many survivors here will also tell you that when you get away the next difficult part starts. The withdrawal symptoms. You will miss him maybe and ache to go back for another "fix" of his good behavior. He will not let you go easily- as abusers crave that control back.
In the UK 3 women die per week from the hands of their ex partner or abusive partner. Listen to your gut and trust any instinct that tells you it might be time to go before your set timeline. You know him best and you pick the route that is the safest.
we are here
oxox
